|Debunking Report of June 26, 2012
||The Roasting and Debunking of Kelly Crane, President, St Helena Rotary
Reporter: Judd A. Howell
After serving in the capacity of Club President for a year, it became quite clearthe Kelly Crane needed a bit of a letdown from such a heady experience. On Tuesday June 26, 2012, an unruly gang of hooligans gathered in the parking lot behind Kelly Crane’s office to witness his arrest by Game Warden, Scott Tarpon. Warden Tarpon led the pack in to Kelly Crane’s office and slapped him, literally slapped him three times with a warrant for his arrest. Kelly Crane had been charged with numerous counts: fishing without a license, fishing out of season, using endangered species as bait, but most egregious of all was the fact that he had been off fishing when he should have been at Rotary.
Warden Tarpon subdued the suspect in his office, relieved him of his personal effects, and frisked him (only his upper half). His accomplice, Cynthia Kee,
gladly frisked the lower half to make sure he was not packing a concealed weapon. Once the suspect was under control, he donned a pair of waders under the stares and jeers of the hooligans, was handcuffed, and marched up and down Main Street, St. Helena, where he readily confessed his crimes against the State of California, the Federal Government, and Mother Nature. After the public pillory, Kelly was loaded into Warden Tarpon’s vehicle and transported to the site of his trial. Upon arrival at the Court of Hooligan Opinion, Kelly Crane was released on his own recognizance to enjoy a glass of wine and schmooze to influence prospective jurors. Mistress of Ceremonies, President Elect, Margo Kennedy, dressed in shark hat and life vest in a tasteful pale green and black, wheeled her oar to call all to witness the trial of Kelly Crane.
Judge Trout Salmon called the proceedings to order. Prosecutor, Sam Bass, read the warrant and defense Attorney, Smelly Baits, raised a stink, literally and figuratively. Witnesses for the prosecution were called one after the other. Attorney Baits seemed to be at a loss for words but certainly not smell. Scoutmaster, Stanley Grouper, Boy Scout, Tiny Shrimp and Girl Scout, Sarah Angelfish all testified at Kelly Crane’s outrageous and greedy behavior, taking fish after fish after fish.
Sonya and Cindy Seahorse, who sell seashells by the seashore, also testified about the appearance of the perpetrator’s rather limp fishing rod while perpetrating crimes against nature. The Bear without speaking, since it is known that bears do not speak, was a powerful witness against the accused, nodding and shaking his head to repeated questions about the accused transgressions. Warden Tarpon was the final witness and stated that he knew the defendant was guilty because he had confiscated a large quantity of salmon, which was requested by the Defense for a later BBQ. After hearing closing arguments, Judge T. Salmon, gave instructions to the Jury to find the defendant guilty as charged. Within 30 seconds the Hooligan Jury came back with three resounding yeses and a verdict of guilty on all counts and then some.
Found guilty, Kelly Crane was sentenced to take that long lonely walk to bar for another glass of wine.
The Jury was dismissed by Mistress of Ceremonies, Kennedy, to imbibe and enjoy dinner.
Written and Directed by: Stevenson Atherton
Judge Trout Salmon - Wendell Laidley
Prosecutor Sam Bass - John Muhlner
Defense Attorney Smelly Baits - Stevenson Atherton
Scoutmaster Stanley Grouper - DeWitt Garlock
Boy Scout Tiny Shrimp - Ted Bystrowski
Girl Scout - Cindy Warren
Sonya Seahorse - Joice Beatty
Cindy Seahorse - Natalie Klug
Bear - Steve Carbone
Warden Scott Tarpon - Judd Howell
Kelly Crane - Kelly Crane
The evening was hosted at the lovely home and grounds of Mike and Ann Thomas, who graciously put up with all that comes with entertaining hooligans. Vercelli on Main Street catered the event with salmon tacos, and a tremendous quantity of wine was consumed.