1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries
can forestall bathing for several days.
3. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails are a social
no-no, as they tend to
detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the
taste of finger foods.
Dining Out
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper
cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine.
2.
If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering
the label.
Entertaining in your Home
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything
prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no
matter how good his manners are.
Dating (Outside the
Family)
1.
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first
date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know
you're interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read
that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her
parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the guy's
responsibility to get her to school on time.
Theater Etiquette
1.
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the
screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
Weddings
1. Livestock is usually a poor
choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride more than five seconds may
get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cumberbund and
a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky
appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for
this special occasion.
Driving
Etiquette
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles,
even if the gun is loaded
and the deer is in sight.
2. When
approaching a four way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always
has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct
tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to
ask her to bring beer back.
5. Never relieve yourself from a
moving vehicle, especially when driving.
6. Do not lay rubber while
traveling in a funeral procession.
Tips for
all Occasions
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's
considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the
bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are
included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-haul to the
funeral home.
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